I've spent most of the day listening to Daniel Johnston. The last three days, and, really, the last few weeks, sadness is almost the only emotion my body feels. There were brief distractions, like talking with my therapist, and the hour I can get out to go running every couple of days, but it just returns.
Some days, I wish I could head right back to college, where I first really started experiencing my suicidal ideations. If I could only have gotten them worked out 8 or 9 years ago. But here I am now. a wreck of a person, with parts of my life falling apart, and I don't know how to care, only how to be sad.
In December, under the advice of my therapist, I hospitalized myself. I was having panic attacks, related to some intrusive obsessive thoughts. They whipped my suicidal thoughts into a frenzy. It was all my mind could focus on, just a whirlwind of death and blood and violence, and I was falling apart. Skipping meals, and avoiding knives were normal.
Now, it's been 5 months since my release, I'm on a combination of lexapro and lithium, and I'm much more mentally stable, but I can't stop feeling sad.
Some of this relates to other parts of my life as well. I've been questioning my gender identity and working towards transitioning. This upheaval in one's life does not create a stable environment in which one can grow and thrive. Nor does the stay at home orders everyone has been living under for the last two months as well. What also doesn't help is I've been unemployed since October. I've made little attempt to return to work. The thought of starting over at another job honestly scares me. The thought of losing another job scares me even more. But this unfortunately seems to be a normal cycle within engineering. I can't do this. I need more stability than that.
At this point I'm just tired and sad and trying to continue on by forcing myself to get out of bed each morning. At least I'm managing to eat food now though.
