Coming Out

 Everyone talks about it, but few really talk about how long it takes. And how anxiety ridden a process it can be. 

When I was still maybe not fully out to myself, my girlfriend pulled the info out from me. This was the summer of 2019. I told a therapist a few months later. I didn't tell anyone else until January of 2020. And that was just my siblings. I accidentally maybe hinted at things with my parents in May, and didn't start hormones until June. And now, I'm still only out to like, 3 more friends?

Right now, I'm waiting on a response from my parents in regards to a more formal and official coming out. I sent it Sunday morning. It's now Wednesday night. I'm currently terrified. Both at what they might respond with, and their lack of a response.

Last week, I told someone I was confused about what my name was, because in that split second decision, I couldn't decide if I could trust them or not. I used my name at my ear piercer, but my deadname with a laser hair removal place. I don't know how either place feels about trans people.

I'm completely putting off making any mention to friends. Covid helps. Because I don't have to see any of them in person. But still. I don't know any of their opinions on trans people. I have a few trans acquaintances added as friends on Facebook. I haven't told either. Although I know both of them would definitely be supportive.

We're hanging with my girlfriend's family this weekend. Her parents don't know. I don't want to come out, because she needs to come out as bisexual to them first. Also, I'm not sure I want to come out in person with them. Especially if I'm also not doing the same with my parents.

Ugh. The whole situation is a mess. And I'm not sure I'll ever get to stop the process of coming out. It'll be a constant cycle for the rest of my life.

Food Review - Dannon Light + Fit - Collagen & Antioxidants yogurt

Today we have with us the Dannon Light + Fit brand yogurt, specifically looking at the Collagen & Antioxidants yogurt. The specific flavor is mango kiwi.

Based on the label, it seems to be marketed towards the type of people that are always worried about keeping their body looking young and healthy. Another thing is, that the nutrition facts take a jab at skyr, pointing out how they have removed all of the fat from their yogurt, thus lowering calories significantly. Compared to a Greek yogurt as well, and it has about half the sugar.

Initial thoughts upon opening the top is that there's a lot more mango smell than kiwi. Also, there's something peachy mixing it up. Taste confirms the smell. There's no noticeable kiwi in it for me. It just tastes like mango. There's some sourness in the taste. Similar to a Greek yogurt. Thickness is close to a Greek yogurt, but not quite there.

Did I like it? Sort of. It was strongly disappointing to me that there was no kiwi flavor hanging out in it. It really should just be called mango right now. If it was just labeled mango, I would've chosen a different flavor, and you'd be reading a different review right now.

Would I buy it again? No. Not because of the missing kiwi though. After eating this, my mouth started feeling odd, and not in a pop rocks way, but a where'd this weird itch come from? And my memories went back, and I was reminded this wasn't the first time with a mango yogurt. So, I might be allergic and should get that tested out.

As for would I buy another flavor? Sure! Why not? Minus a few small complaints about this particular flavor, and the fact I might be allergic to it, the yogurt seemed alright. The better skin, bones, and tendons are just an added benefit.

Food Reviews - Kite Hill - Blissful Creamy Coconut Milk Yogurt

Today's yogurt is brought to you by it being a free item at Safeway as a Just4U reward. What we are reviewing is Kite Hill's Blissful Coconut Milk Yogurt, in the blueberry limoncello flavor. Kite Hill also makes an almond milk yogurt, as well as an almond milk Greek yogurt.

 

Let's start with what it is. It's a coconut yogurt that is advertised as dairy, soy, and gluten free. It's also kosher and vegan. So it definitely fits within a more restrictive diet. Especially since behind dairy, soy is another food that is frequently avoided, for both allergen and other dietary needs.

So, now that it's been introduced, how does it taste? It has a very mellow blueberry flavor, with just a hint of lemon. There's no real sour or tangy notes from the lemon though, if that's something you hoped and expected. Since it's coconut milk based, you'll also find coconut flavor. This shows up more as the blueberry and lemon flavors have started to die down as an aftertaste. One thing missing was any sort of fermented yogurt tangyness. Maybe it's hidden by other ingredients, or maybe coconut milk doesn't leave any in the first place.

It's texture is as advertised. It definitely is smooth and creamy. There were a few pieces of blueberry floating around, certainly not much compared to most other yogurts that go around leaving chunks of fruit in. As far as thickness, it's fairly thin, certainly not as thin as a drinkable yogurt, but definitely one of the thinner yogurts I've eaten.

So, did I like it? Yes I did. Would I buy it again? Maybe. As far as dairy free yogurts go, it's one of the better ones I've had. However, I'm not the biggest fan of coconut, so to have that showing up in every bite isn't the most appealing. There's also a lot of added sugar, and almost no protein. So if you're worried about nutrients and macros and all that, you're better off with something else.

Biking with non cyclists

So far this year, I've done 4 big rides with non-cyclists. And by non-cyclist, what I mean is that you can convince them to go on bike rides, but they won't choose to do it themselves, or actively pursue them on their own.

First was the McKenzie Pass scenic bikeway two days before it opened to cars. I got my dad and brother to join on this one. We had done it last year as well, but dad was switching from a mountain bike to an old road bike, and not getting a head start up the hill. It was cold and we had to deal with rainy mist all the way up the west side. Dad had to keep stopping and walk a bit to keep his legs from cramping. Eventually, I took off towards the top, and ended up waiting almost an hour for dad to be the last to arrive, absolutely miserable and shivering in the observatory the whole time. From there, descending was an interesting story. My dad and brother, who hadn't sat still for nearly as long, took off just fine. On the other hand, I shook so bad that I had to ditch the bike in the dirt early on. This became a characteristic of the rest of the descent, me grabbing the brakes and squeezing the top tube between my knees as hard as I could. Because of that descent, I can honestly say I think they had more fun than me.

Second was a camping trip. After a S24O three years ago, my girlfriend wanted to go again. We decided on a campground, and I figured out the route. It unfortunately had a lot of busy highway that I wish we could've skipped, because at times it unnerved both of us. We kept it slow. She occasionally had to walk up some of the hills. Of which there were many rolling ones. And we stopped for ice cream mid route. The next day took longer. She was tired. We found a way around one big hill. But it worked out and we made it back.

Third was another ride I planned for my girlfriend and I. It was composed of a couple of popular routes, plus a connector. Since I was familiar with the routes independent of each other, I didn't pay attention to how long it was, estimating to be about 25 miles. It was not. It was closer to 35, and I'm not sure she would've agreed to join if she knew that. There was another complication too, in that one spot I expected to be able to refill on water was out of service. The parks department had shut off drinking fountains due to Covid-19. This put us low on water with 10 miles still to go. She was having lots of problems with her saddle that day too. It's never been the most comfortable for her, and she's mentioned that before, but she rides infrequently enough to forget it's a problem until the next ride. We need to change that.

The fourth was one I mapped out on a whim. It combines part of a scenic bikeway in a big ring through several small towns. Turns out this ring is also a common ride, because I later found most of it in a cycling guide book. At just under 65 miles, it's a good route for riding a metric century, because there's no real shortcuts. If you wanna quit, you'll have to hang your tail between your legs and hope someone can come pick you up. Anyways, so I tried getting my brother to join the day before, but he said no. So I tried my dad. And he agreed, under the condition that he could call mom when he wants to be done. He set out in front, setting the pace, but we soon hit a headwind, so I jumped in front and had to make sure I went slow enough he didn't disappear behind. Flats were fine, but just like McKenzie Pass, he struggled up hills. Though he had fun on the descents. At close to 30 miles, he said he'd call it in the next town, but it came up quickly and he said nope, I'm gonna keep going. At the second hill of the day though, he really called it. We made it to the top, descended to the town below, and said goodbye. He still ended up riding 51 miles. Not bad for his second big bike ride of the year.

There's some lessons too from all of this:

• Let them set the pace. It's more fun when you're close enough to talk, aren't forcing them to go fast, and spending a lot of time just waiting for them to catch up.
• The best way to let them set the pace is to let them ride in front.
• You're likely stronger rider. If you're riding into a headwind, make it a little easier on them and stay at the front.
• Communicate where you're going. Both beforehand, and on the ride, they like knowing where they are and what's ahead. If there's a turn coming up, let them know what street they're looking for. If you know the terrain, let them know if that hill rolls down the other side, or secretly keeps going up.
• Be a tour guide. If you're familiar with the area, and they aren't, tell them about it. Distract them from their tired legs by pointing out the spot you once saw a turtle. Bonus points if you can still find a picture of said turtle on your phone. Describe how the parking lot in front of some fancy new tennis courts used to be a pile of cow manure that you helped deliver while working for a college grounds department 8 years ago.
• Be patient with stopping. On a route you've ridden a bunch of times, features on it don't stand out to you, but might to them. If the want to stop and watch something, take a picture of something, or detour slightly because something looked interesting, let them.
• Keep them comfortable. Some people's level of comfort differs. My dad and brother were fine riding in cold mist. My girlfriend wouldn't have been. Some people deal with close passes by big trucks better than others (Though I'm not sure anyone likes it). Plan your route accordingly, and depending on situations, don't be surprised if they want to bail.
• Help with their bike. They might not recognize when something is wrong with their bike, or how to fix it. In this vein, I feel like I pump my girlfriend's tires up before every ride, and once helped my brother fix a crooked stem so he could pump his tire up.
• Don't feel neglected if they don't want to ride with you. They don't always feel like doing some big hard all day effort. It just isn't a priority like it might be for you.
• Make it fun. Stopping for ice cream mid ride, making it an event like camping, or choosing scenic routes or cool destinations are great for this. The scenic route part is especially important. They probably don't like climbing hills, so your favorite route that's just a loop of a bunch of the biggest local climbs isn't going to be interesting to them.

Here's some things maybe not to do:

• Take them on a camping trip. Find out the campground 25 miles away isn't open for the season yet. Convince them that staying at a campground a further 20 miles away is our best option. Try and set the same pace on the return trip as you did leaving.
• Get drunk at a friend's wedding 2 towns over, and convince them to join you on a 35 mile ride the next day to retrieve your truck.
• Climb a hill from two different directions, planning to meet at the top. Descend before they get there, don't recognize them on the descent, and keep going.
• Tell them you just want to go fast and subsequently take off, leaving them all alone on the bike ride you convinced them to join you on.
• Bike-n-hike, but choose an uphill hike at the top of the steepest climb in town.
• Say that riding across town to your parents house for Christmas is a great idea. Ignore the fact that the forecast the next day when you'll ride back calls for rain.
• Want to go on a ride, but they don't have a bike, so they borrow one from a friend, and the rear tire comes unseated, which causes the tube to go flat, so they're forced to walk/carry it for two miles.
• Don't help them adjust their seat, so by the time the ride is over, they have a giant bruise on their taint.

Estrogen

Today I started HRT. Can't wait for my body to start changing.

Mental Health (CW: Suicide, Depression, Homicide)

I've spent most of the day listening to Daniel Johnston. The last three days, and, really, the last few weeks, sadness is almost the only emotion my body feels. There were brief distractions, like talking with my therapist, and the hour I can get out to go running every couple of days, but it just returns.

Some days, I wish I could head right back to college, where I first really started experiencing my suicidal ideations. If I could only have gotten them worked out 8 or 9 years ago. But here I am now. a wreck of a person, with parts of my life falling apart, and I don't know how to care, only how to be sad.

In December, under the advice of my therapist, I hospitalized myself. I was having panic attacks, related to some intrusive obsessive thoughts. They whipped my suicidal thoughts into a frenzy. It was all my mind could focus on, just a whirlwind of death and blood and violence, and I was falling apart. Skipping meals, and avoiding knives were normal.

Now, it's been 5 months since my release, I'm on a combination of lexapro and lithium, and I'm much more mentally stable, but I can't stop feeling sad.

Some of this relates to other parts of my life as well. I've been questioning my gender identity and working towards transitioning. This upheaval in one's life does not create a stable environment in which one can grow and thrive. Nor does the stay at home orders everyone has been living under for the last two months as well. What also doesn't help is I've been unemployed since October. I've made little attempt to return to work. The thought of starting over at another job honestly scares me. The thought of losing another job scares me even more. But this unfortunately seems to be a normal cycle within engineering. I can't do this. I need more stability than that.

At this point I'm just tired and sad and trying to continue on by forcing myself to get out of bed each morning. At least I'm managing to eat food now though.

Bike Share Bike Fun - The Recap!

Alrighty everyone out there, here it is, the recap of my adventure from a few weeks ago.

It's me, walking to the bus.

I set out on foot about a mile to the bus stop for the local bus with a dedicated lane. It took a while, but it has the advantage that it has a ticket kiosk so I don't have to fumble with change I don't carry.

After sitting and waiting for a while, it arrived, I hopped on, and sat down, ready to be whisked away into town. Upon approaching the downtown area, I hopped off as soon as I was near a bike share, ready to select my stead.

A post shared by Matthew Rooks (@skinnyrook) on Apr 21, 2018 at 12:56pm PDT

Upon reaching the station, I selected a bike, fumbled around in my pocket for my phone to look up my account number, entered it, and hopped on. I say hopped on, but in reality, it was more like, wow, this bike is heavy, how do I get it either, A, not aimed straight off the sidewalk, or B, in the street where I shall be riding it?

The next few blocks were spent liberally raising the seat at every light, just to try and get it high enough. And at another light, I learned that yes, one can track stand one, though it certainly is not easy. Gaining a feel for it's weird wobbliness, I aimed it towards the top of the nearest hill, because why not? Cycling is all about climbing for the sweet descent.

A post shared by Matthew Rooks (@skinnyrook) on Apr 21, 2018 at 1:01pm PDT

And, I made it! I must say though, that's probably the toughest hill climb I've ever done on a bike, just due to the sheer weight of the thing. Upon barely catching my breath, I hopped back on, wishing to prioritize saving money over saving my body, and sailed down the hill, being much less fearful of that descent than the times I've done it on a fixed gear.

Finding the closest docking station, I shoved it in there, locked it, and began the slow walk back to the bus station, to recover whatever fraction of my lungs were left. All in all, a painful (thanks gastritis), but fun experience.