Coming Out

 Everyone talks about it, but few really talk about how long it takes. And how anxiety ridden a process it can be. 

When I was still maybe not fully out to myself, my girlfriend pulled the info out from me. This was the summer of 2019. I told a therapist a few months later. I didn't tell anyone else until January of 2020. And that was just my siblings. I accidentally maybe hinted at things with my parents in May, and didn't start hormones until June. And now, I'm still only out to like, 3 more friends?

Right now, I'm waiting on a response from my parents in regards to a more formal and official coming out. I sent it Sunday morning. It's now Wednesday night. I'm currently terrified. Both at what they might respond with, and their lack of a response.

Last week, I told someone I was confused about what my name was, because in that split second decision, I couldn't decide if I could trust them or not. I used my name at my ear piercer, but my deadname with a laser hair removal place. I don't know how either place feels about trans people.

I'm completely putting off making any mention to friends. Covid helps. Because I don't have to see any of them in person. But still. I don't know any of their opinions on trans people. I have a few trans acquaintances added as friends on Facebook. I haven't told either. Although I know both of them would definitely be supportive.

We're hanging with my girlfriend's family this weekend. Her parents don't know. I don't want to come out, because she needs to come out as bisexual to them first. Also, I'm not sure I want to come out in person with them. Especially if I'm also not doing the same with my parents.

Ugh. The whole situation is a mess. And I'm not sure I'll ever get to stop the process of coming out. It'll be a constant cycle for the rest of my life.

Estrogen

Today I started HRT. Can't wait for my body to start changing.

Bike Share Bike Fun - The Recap!

Alrighty everyone out there, here it is, the recap of my adventure from a few weeks ago.

It's me, walking to the bus.

I set out on foot about a mile to the bus stop for the local bus with a dedicated lane. It took a while, but it has the advantage that it has a ticket kiosk so I don't have to fumble with change I don't carry.

After sitting and waiting for a while, it arrived, I hopped on, and sat down, ready to be whisked away into town. Upon approaching the downtown area, I hopped off as soon as I was near a bike share, ready to select my stead.

A post shared by Matthew Rooks (@skinnyrook) on Apr 21, 2018 at 12:56pm PDT

Upon reaching the station, I selected a bike, fumbled around in my pocket for my phone to look up my account number, entered it, and hopped on. I say hopped on, but in reality, it was more like, wow, this bike is heavy, how do I get it either, A, not aimed straight off the sidewalk, or B, in the street where I shall be riding it?

The next few blocks were spent liberally raising the seat at every light, just to try and get it high enough. And at another light, I learned that yes, one can track stand one, though it certainly is not easy. Gaining a feel for it's weird wobbliness, I aimed it towards the top of the nearest hill, because why not? Cycling is all about climbing for the sweet descent.

A post shared by Matthew Rooks (@skinnyrook) on Apr 21, 2018 at 1:01pm PDT

And, I made it! I must say though, that's probably the toughest hill climb I've ever done on a bike, just due to the sheer weight of the thing. Upon barely catching my breath, I hopped back on, wishing to prioritize saving money over saving my body, and sailed down the hill, being much less fearful of that descent than the times I've done it on a fixed gear.

Finding the closest docking station, I shoved it in there, locked it, and began the slow walk back to the bus station, to recover whatever fraction of my lungs were left. All in all, a painful (thanks gastritis), but fun experience.

Gastritis

A couple months ago, if I had been asked who my biggest enemies were, I would've probably jokingly said something like cars, or bad drivers, or inattentive drivers. Something having to do with the people I have to watch out for while biking around. For the last month or so, however, I'm going to change my answer.

Why am I changing my answer? Because my current enemy doesn't seem to be a big fan of either coffee, or bikes. I started this blog to ramble about coffee I've drunk, with the side notion that maybe I'd find a way to sneak bikes into it as well. And now, I've got very little to talk about either.

For the last month, I've basically been kept from both by gastritis. Basically, something caused me to develop a hole in the mucus membrane of my stomach causing a bunch of pain and difficulty eating. One big dietary change everyone says is to cut out coffee, so that was gone almost right away. Followed by a nasty few days of more head pain, as I had to force an immediate caffeine withdrawal on myself.

Biking went along with the eating difficulty. Normally, I was eating about 2,600 Calories to maintain weight while cycling. Now, 2,000 is a pretty good day, and 1,800 is average, and 1,200 is survivable, but miserable. The exercise just isn't sustainable. Previously, I was at 20 miles a day, commuting to work, running errands on the weekend, for fun, for transport, and just because I felt like it. Now, if I just feel like it, I have to be prepared to feel tired and exhausted for the rest of the day. I can't physically eat enough to maintain my body, and add the exercise.

So, for now, I'm taking it one day at a time, adjusting everything as need be. Eating the weirdest, and at the same time, most boring diet I've ever had. I'll probably have to pivot to sharing interesting bike content and weird recipes I've found or made work.