Mental Health (CW: Suicide, Depression, Homicide)

I've spent most of the day listening to Daniel Johnston. The last three days, and, really, the last few weeks, sadness is almost the only emotion my body feels. There were brief distractions, like talking with my therapist, and the hour I can get out to go running every couple of days, but it just returns.

Some days, I wish I could head right back to college, where I first really started experiencing my suicidal ideations. If I could only have gotten them worked out 8 or 9 years ago. But here I am now. a wreck of a person, with parts of my life falling apart, and I don't know how to care, only how to be sad.

In December, under the advice of my therapist, I hospitalized myself. I was having panic attacks, related to some intrusive obsessive thoughts. They whipped my suicidal thoughts into a frenzy. It was all my mind could focus on, just a whirlwind of death and blood and violence, and I was falling apart. Skipping meals, and avoiding knives were normal.

Now, it's been 5 months since my release, I'm on a combination of lexapro and lithium, and I'm much more mentally stable, but I can't stop feeling sad.

Some of this relates to other parts of my life as well. I've been questioning my gender identity and working towards transitioning. This upheaval in one's life does not create a stable environment in which one can grow and thrive. Nor does the stay at home orders everyone has been living under for the last two months as well. What also doesn't help is I've been unemployed since October. I've made little attempt to return to work. The thought of starting over at another job honestly scares me. The thought of losing another job scares me even more. But this unfortunately seems to be a normal cycle within engineering. I can't do this. I need more stability than that.

At this point I'm just tired and sad and trying to continue on by forcing myself to get out of bed each morning. At least I'm managing to eat food now though.

Bike Share Bike Fun - The Recap!

Alrighty everyone out there, here it is, the recap of my adventure from a few weeks ago.

It's me, walking to the bus.

I set out on foot about a mile to the bus stop for the local bus with a dedicated lane. It took a while, but it has the advantage that it has a ticket kiosk so I don't have to fumble with change I don't carry.

After sitting and waiting for a while, it arrived, I hopped on, and sat down, ready to be whisked away into town. Upon approaching the downtown area, I hopped off as soon as I was near a bike share, ready to select my stead.

A post shared by Matthew Rooks (@skinnyrook) on Apr 21, 2018 at 12:56pm PDT

Upon reaching the station, I selected a bike, fumbled around in my pocket for my phone to look up my account number, entered it, and hopped on. I say hopped on, but in reality, it was more like, wow, this bike is heavy, how do I get it either, A, not aimed straight off the sidewalk, or B, in the street where I shall be riding it?

The next few blocks were spent liberally raising the seat at every light, just to try and get it high enough. And at another light, I learned that yes, one can track stand one, though it certainly is not easy. Gaining a feel for it's weird wobbliness, I aimed it towards the top of the nearest hill, because why not? Cycling is all about climbing for the sweet descent.

A post shared by Matthew Rooks (@skinnyrook) on Apr 21, 2018 at 1:01pm PDT

And, I made it! I must say though, that's probably the toughest hill climb I've ever done on a bike, just due to the sheer weight of the thing. Upon barely catching my breath, I hopped back on, wishing to prioritize saving money over saving my body, and sailed down the hill, being much less fearful of that descent than the times I've done it on a fixed gear.

Finding the closest docking station, I shoved it in there, locked it, and began the slow walk back to the bus station, to recover whatever fraction of my lungs were left. All in all, a painful (thanks gastritis), but fun experience.

Bike Share Bike Fun!

Yesterday, a new bike share program launched here in the city of Eugene. My weekend plans involve finding one and going for a ride. I'm going to make it more interesting, however, by hopping on the bus, which I've taken probably less than a dozen times, ever. Why? Because I can't drive or ride my own bike to the bike share. Both would be weird. So I'm going multi-modal, and am going to have some fun with it.

Food Reviews - Coconut Water

Coconut water is one of those things I consume because it helps, not because I like it. It's pretty neutral pH, so it does a decent job combating bouts of acid reflux. I'm not the biggest fan of coconut in general, so the water without pulp is certainly preferable. There's an odd tang, but I'm not sure that's the correct way to describe it. It's also not exactly the cheapest drink, so I don't drink a lot of it.

Bike Fun - Errandonnee 2018 - Updated

My stomach is still holding me up somewhat, but I heard of Errandonnee 2018 while listening to last week's episode of the Sprocket Podcast at work.

Basically, the goal is to complete 12 errands and 30 miles by bike in 12 days, from March 20th to March 31st. You can read the full rules over at Chasing Mailboxes.

I'm a little late to start, and haven't followed most of the rules properly, like taking a picture of where I went, but was curious how I was doing, even being held back, and definitely not riding as much.

I'm also going to stretch the rules slightly, because several of the trips were on a longboard, since my stomach prefers not being crouched over very long.

Currently, I'm at:

1. 3/21 - A bike ride to the grocery store, 3.7 miles
2. 3/24 - A longboard ride to a coffee shop, 1.2 miles
3. 3/24 - A bike ride to the pharmacy, 1.7 miles
4. 3/25 - A walk to the grocery store, 0.8 miles
5. 3/25 - A walk to a nearby bike shop, for a talk on bicycle touring for beginners, 0.2 miles
6. 3/26 - A bike ride to drop something for medical reasons, 1.4 miles

So there, it's currently the 27th, and I'm halfway there by activities, but only about a third of the mileage done.

Unfortunately, I've got plans that can't include the bike today and tomorrow, so I'll miss out then, but we'll see about Thursday the 29th. It is good though, to see that my ability to be active certainly seems to have picked up, however slight. Maybe I'll have to create for myself a modified April Fool's version, from April 1 to April 12.

--Update--March 29th--

7. 3/29 - A bike ride to a kitchen supply store, grocery store, and drug store, 3.7 miles

Still not entirely close on either distance or trips, but I'm certainly doing something. Although I had some really bad reflux earlier in the day, and it definitely messed with my lungs and their ability to function correctly.

--Update--March 30th--

8. 3/30 - Another bike ride, this time to the bank to deposit a paycheck, 4.3 miles

I forgot this was even going to be a possibility. Surprise paychecks because you weren't paying that much attention to the date are great though. It was nice, sunny, I was still dealing with more reflux problems, and also trying out a new heart rate monitor.

--Update--March 31st--

9. 3/31 - Another grocery store trip, 3.7 miles.

This is the last trip of the group. Another grocery store run.

--Conclusion--

9 trips, 20.7 miles. So far, I didn't manage to meet either the goal of 30 miles or 12 trips. But, it feels good to know that I still made it out on the bike much more than I thought I would.

Food Review - Avocado and Turkey Sandwich

This grew out of an attempt to replace the cheese in a standard meat and cheese sandwich.

Of everything I've done so far, it's definitely my favorite. It's pretty simple too. Just make whatever sandwich you normally make, but with avocado instead of cheese.

Currently, that's avocado, turkey lunch meat, and mustard, all on sourdough bread. It looks good, tastes good, and will 100% stick around for the future.

Food Reviews - Silk Dairy-Free Blueberry Soy Yogurt - Update

Part of my dealing with gastritis is learning that dairy doesn't mesh well with some of the drugs they've given me to help me cope. As such, regular yogurt, while full of lots of good bacteria that could help my gut, became off limits. As such, I've been on the lookout for something to fill that void in my diet. This was one such attempt.

It's a soy based yogurt. I thought it tasted pretty good. In a taste test, without regular yogurt to compare it directly too, I didn't notice much of a difference. This is good, because I still don't enjoy alternative "milks."

So, would I buy it regularly? Probably not. It's not exactly cheap, compared to regular yogurt. Would I eat it again though? Yeah, I'd eat it again.

4/3 Update

I've since also tried their strawberry flavor. I'll stick to the blueberry in the future.